How to find and stimulate the prostate
The prostate gland is an integral part of the sexual and reproductive anatomy for folks born with penises. Located just below the bladder, its job — along with the seminal vesicles — is to produce most of the fluid that makes up semen. Lately, though, it’s becoming known as a lot more than that. It’s becoming known as the pleasure center it can be.
You’ve probably heard the prostate described as the “P-spot,” indeed, the prostate and G-spot have a lot in common. Both engorge and expand when a person is turned on; both produce a “need to pee” sensation due to their proximity to the urethra; and both respond to similar stimulation techniques — firm pressure, curved sex toys, and strong vibration.
About the size of a walnut, the prostate can be stimulated by inserting a finger or toy about 2-2.5″ inside the anus and curling it toward the front of the body. Beginners often use fingers for prostate stimulation because they are so dexterous. Using a finger, the giver can actually feel for and locate the prostate, and they have complete control over their finger’s precise movements. Of course, sex toys are also a great way to explore the prostate (especially solo), but this guide will focus on using a partner’s fingers to find and stimulate your prostate for the first time.
Why massage the prostate?
Prostate stimulation feels very unique, and it produces powerful sensations that you are not likely to feel during other types of sexual activity. As it is separate from pleasure in the penis (unless, of course, you add penis stimulation to the mix), prostate massage allows you to enjoy bliss and sexual energy without ejaculating.
And yet, because of the prostate gland’s bodily purpose, stimulation of it can feel somewhat like impending ejaculation. Obviously, this is very pleasurable, sometimes even overwhelmingly so. Folks report that orgasms triggered by prostate stimulation feel different, more full-bodied, even longer and more powerful than penis-focused ejaculatory orgasms.
But that’s not all — prostate massage is also good for your health! It can increase blood flow (which in turn brings in oxygen and removes waste products from your cells), wipe out blockages and trapped fluids in the prostate gland, relieve muscle tension, reduce the risk of prostate cancer, help you develop an awareness of how your prostate feels (so that if you develop an infection or irritation, you can pinpoint it), and of course, intensify sexual response. In fact, some people report firmer erections, stronger orgasms, and even the ability to have multiple orgasms after engaging in regular prostate massage.
Banish myths from your mind
There are several myths we’d like to dispel immediately. Especially this one: enjoyment of anal penetration has nothing to do with your masculinity or sexual orientation. It simply means you like anal penetration!
Many folks are worried about the perceived messiness of anal play, but that isn’t as big of an issue as you’d think. The rectum is merely a passageway for the digestive system. As long as you eat enough fiber and have regular bowel movements, there won’t be much fecal matter hanging around the rectum.
Remember, as well, that stimulating your butt on your own terms will be nothing like the prostate exams you get from a doctor. Medical prostate exams are meant to be clinical, not sexual, so don’t let your experiences with them deter you from trying something new.
Arm yourself with the essentials
Now you’ll need to set aside some time to explore your prostate, either solo or with a partner. It’s very important that you not feel rushed. Also, set aside some lube! The anus is not self-lubricating, and lube makes anal penetration feel better. Thicker lubes, like Sliquid Organics Gel, are popular for anal play because they add cushioning, but check out our Lube 101 guide for in-depth info on choosing the right lube.
If you’d like, you can take a bath or shower before play, which is a great way to both get clean and relax. You may also want to pee, as stimulating the prostate can make you feel like you need to urinate. While certainly not necessary, some folks find it comforting to rinse their anuses out with a squeeze bottle enema a few hours prior to anal play. Remember to use only water in your enema, and keep it at a warm (not hot or cold) temperature.
You don’t want any rough skin or sharp edges in your butt, so the giver should trim and file their nails prior to play. Or they can use gloves or finger cots to smooth out their fingers and make clean-up a snap.
Getting down to business
Begin with whatever turns you on, whether that is reading erotica, watching porn, rimming, oral sex, or anything else. Massages are also particularly good, as they can relax you. Take your time, because the more aroused you are, the more sensitive and accessible your prostate will be.
Yes, if our advice about prostate massage (and all anal play, really) had to be condensed into just one word, it would be relax. Relaxation is absolutely key, because anal play isn’t about stretching or widening the anus, but rather relaxing it open. The anus is actually made up of two rings of muscle: an outer ring, which is easy to clench and unclench, and an inner ring, which is more difficult to control.
Therefore, your frame of mind can influence much of how you experience anal play. If you feel stressed, worried, or unable to calm down, your butt will follow suit by tightening up. Likewise, if you feel happy and prepared, you will be in the best possible state to experience anal penetration.
Choose a position that feels most comfortable for you, and allows you to — you guessed it! — relax. Lying on your back with a pillow (or the Liberator Wedge) under your butt is probably the most popular position for beginners, as it lifts your hips up. You can also lay on your stomach, prop yourself up on your elbows and knees, lean against a wall, or stand with one foot on a chair (that one is good for solo play).
Your partner should begin with some teasing and external stimulation, rubbing your perineum and inner thighs and massaging the external anal muscle. Focus on your breathing and take slow, deep breaths. Don’t forget the lube, and lots of it!
When you are ready, have your partner lightly press the pad of their index or middle finger against your anus. As you exhale, let their finger be drawn inside. They should keep their finger still and refrain from any in-and-out movement, allowing your butt to get used to the sensation. Next, they can gently massage the inside of your anus, using small circles, up and down, side to side motions, or whatever feels good to you.
Always go slow, as slow as you need to go. Your partner should make it a priority to check in with you often, and you should communicate with them openly about what’s working and what’s not. Tell them if you’d like more or less pressure, or slower or faster strokes. If something feels uncomfortable, let them know. Don’t be afraid to add more lube! (And if you feel pain at any point, stop the action and take a break.)
Now you can have your partner curl their finger toward your belly and feel along the upper wall of the rectal lining for a round bulb of tissue that feels firm and spongy. That’s the prostate! Your partner may be able to feel it, or you may notice that it feels different when touched. Using the pad of their finger — not their nail — they should stroke the spot with an upward “come here” motion.
If you start to feel like you need to pee, you are actually doing things right! The prostate surrounds the urethra, so stimulation of it sends a signal to your brain that you need to urinate. With time, this sensation should become less uncomfortable, but for now, try to just relax into it.
Have your partner experiment with different massage techniques, such as stroking, pressing, and rubbing the prostate. Firm pressure tends to be better than light strokes, but always communicate. If you’d like, ask your partner to use their other hand, a vibrator, or their mouth on your penis or testicles as they massage your prostate. But don’t worry if you don’t want anything else stimulated, or if you don’t have an erection. That’s also fine!
If this is your first time being penetrated anally, a finger or two may be more than enough. Also, while some folks with penises find prostate play to be an incredible rush the first time they try it, remember that you may not have such a strong reaction immediately. It is completely normal for anal penetration to feel more odd than pleasurable if you are new to it. Your body may just need time interpret the sensation as erotic. The important thing is to continue experimenting and playing, getting comfortable with the sensation, and learning what does it for you.
Further exploration and learning
If you’d like to try a toy, or if you’re playing solo and can’t quite reach comfortably, some excellent beginner’s prostate toys are the Aneros Helix Syn or Fun Factory Bootie. After more experimentation, you may find that you really like the sensation of a vibrator against your prostate, in which case we recommend a toy like the We-Vibe Vector or Rocks Off O Boy.
We have an entire guide on how to choose an anal toy, so check that out for more guidance on toys. Just remember, use only toys with flared bases anally.
Want to read up on anal play? Pick up The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex For Men or Jack Morin’s groundbreaking book, Anal Pleasure & Health (now in its fourth edition!).